A therapist gave me a Meditation CD and it changed my life.
One morning in 2008 I was heading down the 15 freeway in San Diego County on my way to work and while listening to a news story the public radio station I heard that 50% of families eligible to receive EBT food assistance were not applying for said assistance. I wondered if a self-employed chef with four children may qualify. I made time to visit the county office to apply and we did qualify, and, in the process, they asked me a series of questions to see what other services our family needed such as health insurance and mental health resources. I felt validated as a human and my pride gave way to an honesty that I had not felt before and I asked for some support for myself and my family. I admitted to the gentle caring social worker who was helping me that “I may have some depression going on”. I was a single father of four, I was a recently divorced, self-employed and I was struggling. I had a midwestern work ethic and sense of pride that seemed to be pushing me to my limits in order to provide for my family. I was paying $1700 for a three bedroom in a decent complex and all the other costs of living for a family of five were astronomical. I was barely making it. I was making food in my home at all hours and clients like our city’s mayor would stop by and pick up healthy lunches and dinners or I’d meet so and so at a chosen intersection to deliver them my organic vegan or raw food specialties before heading down to La Jolla or San Diego to one of the two main families I worked for as a chef. I was under a lot of stress, trying to please my clients and my family and I was beginning to see that I was self-medicating myself after the kids went to bed. I was surrounded by loved ones, but I was somehow filled with pain and loneliness. That day the social worker referred me to a therapist right in my neighborhood and I was ready to find some sort of relief.
My first day of therapy I was met by this younger man who dressed a bit like Fred Rogers. He was a lot like Mr. Rogers. He was mellow, soft spoken, kind and had a way of listening to me that helped me slow down my thoughts enough that I too could listen to myself and think about myself before I answered instead of what I thought I should say or what he may want to hear. We got on nicely and on the second or third session we talked about mindfulness and meditation. I told him of my experience playing a computer game I had received from a loved one called “Journey to the Wild Divine” in which you hook up sensors to your fingertips and earlobe and perform different feats by controlling your heart rate and breathing, and how I learned about mindfulness from the game and how much it seemed to get me through a tough time in my life but I really did not understand how. Up until that time I had tried to meditate but was not sure if I was doing it right and was pretty sure I was not.
The next week of therapy my therapist offered me a CD to borrow and make a copy or buy myself one if I liked it.
It was called Meditation for Beginners by a man named Jack Kornfield.
I remember the first night I put on the CD. I thought right away what a weird voice, what a weird man, why spell Kornfield with a K? I was judging up a storm and I caught myself and got back to listening, got to breathing and following my breath, it felt fine. Track one was cool. I felt peaceful. The next few nights after the kids went to bed, I would sit on a pillow on the floor with my back against the foot board of my bed and listen to a meditation with Jack Kornfield. I would tune in on his voice and follow the instructions. Breathing in and out and following the breath. On either the fourth or fifth night I had an amazing experience. I was following the instructions, following my breath, breathing and saying to myself in on the in breath and out on the out breath and following the path of my continuous breath as if my breath was a continuous mysterious gaseous trail of breath that went from my mouth across the room, out the window, down to the parking lot and down the block on the sidewalk. After some time, I realized that the track of the CD was not on anymore and I had been meditating on my own for some time. I began to laugh out loud and felt high as a kite, I had a private laughing fit like I was at the funniest slumber party of one. I actually meditated and I liked it a lot!
Thank You Jack Kornfield!
And thank you to all the social workers and Mental Health Practitioners!
